"The Catholic Dictionary"

"The Catholic / Episcopal Dictionary"

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone
knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during
the homily.  2. Church air conditioning. 3. Your
receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows
the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is
H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three
octaves  higher than that of the congregation's
range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often
sung a little more quietly, since most of the people
have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability
to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most
Catholics can recognize besides gyros and
baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby
shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus
because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. .
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday
travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in
Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the
beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers,
the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for
seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at
the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying
to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass
for so long, they actually know when to sit,
kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top
Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't
know the seating capacity of a pew.

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